


So Many Words With One Glance

by Nihonkikuasa211



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Miscommunication, Tag to 1x15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 16:46:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5935588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nihonkikuasa211/pseuds/Nihonkikuasa211
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What was Neal thinking when he saw Christa on the floor, hurting?</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Many Words With One Glance

**Author's Note:**

> When I saw this scene, I could immediately see the feelings Neal has for Christa. This story was born.

_So Many Words With One Glance_

 

            He watched her without looking away. Neal inwardly swallowed a lump in this throat as he dark eyes continued to see a sight he had no desire to see again: Christa on the ground, hurting. The pounding of his heart told the attending of what he already knew. It was partly because of him that the blond resident was feeling this way.

            He had hesitated. Christa did not expect that. Perhaps she had thought that he would sign the documents immediately, almost too hastily, in his opinion. _“It’s not a marriage license.”_ Neal hadn’t known what to say when he saw Christa’s eyes boring into his own in disappointment, attempting to hide her hurt as she walked away. Then, too, he had not been able to look at her without looking away. Neal didn’t know why he had hesitated. The dark-haired attending could still see Leanne’s smile as he stated the words he did not regret. And yet...

            Why did he hesitate? He _cared_ about Christa, cared about her more than he would admit. Perhaps it was because of what Neal was seeing now, the blond resident’s face blocked from view as she was attempting to cope with the pain. It hurt too much to see her like this. Even before, back when they had been colleague to colleague bordering on something more intimate, he hadn’t felt this way.

            It was as if his heart was being squeezed, being deprived of the precious oxygen it needed in order to keep beating. It felt as if his breathing had stopped as Neal watched Christa on the floor of the ER. He knew by now the light-haired resident would be struggling to hold in the emotions she had from the time this hellish day had started. First with Gina, dying with his hands and wrists coated with her blood as Mike pronounced her death, calling the ER director as their own as her body was put into a body bag gently. Malaya, alive but so frightened when her attacker was being treated beside her, half screaming and trying desperately to run away as Neal and Jesse attempted to calm her. And yet, the agony and tragedy that had bled in the ER paled in the comparison to what he felt know as he had heard Christa telling him with _guilt_ that how could she be thinking about what they had, and not of what had happened in the ER?

            The pain Neal felt as the attending watched Christa alone, his dark eyes only focusing on her, doubled as he inwardly thought of how much pain the – his _significant other_ , was suffering. Her pain felt as deep as his own. _But I did, Christa..._ Neal thought as he thought about his reluctance to sign the document. _I wanted to make certain that I was ready, that I was completely_ in _, because I don’t want to make a mistake. I don’t want to lose_ us _._ Hearing the word from Christa’s lips almost made the dark-haired doctor’s heart stop, It felt impossibly good to hear the word, to hear that Christa too thought of them as something more than he had miscommunicated with her in the locker room. _It is a promise, Christa, a promise to you that I wasn’t certain I was ready for, because I don’t want to stop being_ us _._

         Neal wanted to go to Christa, to hold her and kiss her, and tell her everything his heart was saying now. But instead, his eyes continued to observe her for a moment before he turned back and walked away. Some things did not heal, Neal believed, and others healed more slowly than others. The time when he had comforted Christa with his presence and the kiss was beyond what was happening now. The _feelings_ , the raw _feelings_ that the attending felt now as he glanced back at the lone blond figure alone with her mourning thoughts were so much more than what had been before. Every fiber of his being wanted to comfort Christa, to take away her pain, and make certain that she understood _that his feelings were real._ Her pain belonged to his heart, and it hurt. It hurt so much more than he thought it would.

       There would be times when Neal would not be able to comfort Christa – that she would need to be alone and process her memories and emotions, and realize that blaming herself was not the right conclusion. The past that she didn’t speak of but was there in her subconscious – a dead son and a husband who had left her, was a pain that Neal understood was not even he could heal, not even when he...

      There were times when Neal could only watch and ponder as Christa – the beautiful, amazing doctor and human being that she was – bled inside from her wonderful heart that Neal believed he was falling in love with.

_The pain...it huts..._

_“Regrets?”_

_“Not one.”_

_Sometimes I can only watch you in pain, and that hurts more than seeing the agony and raw emotion in your eyes._

_“Dr. Christa Lorenson and I are in a relationship.”_

     Dr. Neal Hudson looked back the lone figure on the floor and found his heart breaking.


End file.
